Jimi’s Yakisoba & Yakiudon

If you’re a Japanese culture dumpster like me then you’ll appreciate the Context at the bottom. If you don’t care nor have the time, then fuck right off to the ingredients section. Otherwise weeb-the-fuck-out and enjoy…

Love, Jimi

Yakisoba

Ingredients

• 1 Yakisoba Kit¹
• Sesame Oil
• ¼ – ½ head of Green Cabbage, sliced²
• 4 Scallion whites, sliced on bias
• Shiitake Mushrooms, stemmed and sliced
• 1 large Carrot Julienned
• Benishoga (red pickled ginger)
• 2-3 Tonkatsu³ (pork cutlets, optional)
• ~ ½ Cup Yakisoba Sauce⁴

Yakisoba Directions

1. Put a dry wok on high-heat. When it’s smoking hot add enough sesame oil to lightly coat.
2. Add the cabbage evenly and let it sit until it burns a little
3. Add the carrot evenly
4. Toss the salad and add the shrooms
   • Did I mention you should have ventilation? LOL…
5. After a few more vigorous tosses, climax, and add the noodles
6. Dust all with the dry seasoning
7. Blow a load of sauce and toss like it’s the last time you’ll ever get laid, until fully mixed.
   • Nap time? (No.)
8. Turn out into a large bowl.
9. Return the empty wok to the flame until it sizzles, then run under cold water and wipe with a paper towel. Put back on the heat until dry. Fuck nonstick.
10. Portion out and top with Benishoga and Katsuobushi to taste
11. Put it in your face or wherever, masturbation is really just a matter of imagination and bravery when you think about it.

Tonkatsu (Fried Pork Cutlet) ³

Ingredients

1. 2 ½”-thick lean boneless pork loin chops, trimmed & lightly scored
2. Kosher salt
3. Freshly ground black pepper
4. All-purpose flour in a bowl
5. 1 Egg lightly beaten with ½ Tbsp neutral flavor oil in a bowl
6. Panko (lightly sprayed with water) in a bowl
7. Neutral flavor oil for frying (vegetable, canola, etc)

Directions

1. Pound the meat down to ¼” on a cutting board and covered with wax, parchment or plastic sheet.
2. Season the meat with salt and pepper.
3. Dredge in flour and remove excess flour.
4. Dip in egg mixture.
5. Dredge in panko and shake off excess, then press gently.
6. Heat frying oil in a wok over medium high heat and wait till oil gets 350F (180C). If you don’t have a thermometer, stick a chopstick in the oil and see if tiny bubbles start to appear around the tip of the chopstick.
7. Gently lower Tonkatsu into the oil and fry for 1 minute on one side and flip to cook the other side for 1 minute
8. Remove Tonkatsu and allow excess oil to drip off.
9. Place on wire rack and let it rest for 4 minutes.
10. Then refry about 30 seconds each side.
11. Remove and allow to rest for a few minutes.
12. Cut Tonkatsu into 1” large strips (across the grain) – press the knife directly down in one cut. It avoids dragging off the crispy stuff.

Yakisoba Sauce ⁴

Ingredients

• 2 tsp granulated sugar
• 2 tsp soy sauce
• 4 tsp oyster sauce
• 4 tsp ketchup
• 4 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• Directions
• Add soy and sugar to FIFO bottle, swirl until dissolved
• Add the rest, cap and shake vigorously for 5-10sec. (Fuck you, shake-weight!)

Foot-Notes / Recommendations

1. Yakisoba kits are usually a 3-pack. The whole thing easily serves 2 (with second helpings). The recipe is based on that.
2. Cabbage is usually quartered, heart removed and sliced either 2x thickness of the noodles or in thick squares. ¼ – ½ of the cabbage is plenty for one recipe. Finely shred the rest with okonomiyaki or gyoza for the next dinner.
3. Tonkatsu is a thing of beauty, not of health. Can you make this with chicken? Yes. Should you? Meh… the dish is actually really good even without the pork (gasp!) and we usually don’t have it (oh my, now I am feeling lightheaded…)
4. Yakisoba Sauce can be bought, but considering how extensible the ingredients are and how easy it is to make, it’s best made in larger batches and applied liberally to the body.

Context

To start, Soba refers to a kind of noodle, specifically buckwheat. However, the term Soba can and often is used as a generic term for noodles.

The type of noodle commonly used for yakisoba is a chukka (aka chukka-men) noodle (which can be found dry, in Asian markets – conversely, this is the same noodle often used in Ramen), but it is often easier to buy yakisoba as “packs” in the refrigerated noodle section. Really, there’s no shame in this, you get “fresh” noodles with dry spice packets and the rest is up to you. Otherwise you’ll need to find and mix the spices, along with ajinomoto (msg) which can be a pain in the ass and defeats the quick-turn nature of the dish… unless you’re gonna make shit-tons of this stuff and live off of it for the rest of your life – a thought that may or may not have crossed my mind after making this the first time.