Do Chua (Daikon & Carrot Pickle)

Ingredients

• 1 large carrot, skin peeled, then julienne cut (or peeled)
• 1 pound daikons, skin peeled, then julienne cut (or peeled)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons plus 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 1/4 cups distilled white vinegar
• 1 cup warm water

Directions

1. Take each veg and lay them down on a towel. Run a julienne peeler from end-to-end. Pick up the strands like noodles and lay them all parallel on a cutting board, then cut every 2 inches.
2. Place the carrot and daikons in a bowl and sprinkle with the salt and 2 teaspoons of the sugar. Use your hands and gently toss that salad for around 3 minutes [insert sexual performance joke here], expelling the fluids from them [LOL, and another one here]. They will soften when they’re done [OMFG this is a treasure trove]
3. You should be able to bend a piece of daikon so that the ends touch without the daikon breaking [nothin… I got nothin].
4. At this point there will (should) be a fair amount of liquid at the bottom. Drain in a colander and rinse under cold water, then pour out onto a towel and press to remove extra water.
5. Transfer them to a 1-quart (4-cup) jar.
6. For the brine, combine the 1/2 cup sugar, vinegar, and warm water in the jar. Cap it and shake until sugar has dissolved.
7. Pour the mix into the veg jar, just enough cover the vegetables.
8. Let it marinate in the fridge for at least 1 hour before serving (overnight is ideal).
9. Keep in the refrigerator for about 4 weeks.

Notes

Carrots – If you go to asian markets, they have carrots that are perfect for julienne peelers. These porn-star Franken-food fuckers inspire insecurity in men and fearful curiosity in women.
Daikons – same porn-thing… x10. Also, they should be firm. Seriously, not a sex joke this time. Daikons sometimes sit around too long, so pick one up and give it a waggle; if you feel any flex in the um, (sweet, fucking Jesus) shaft, move on.

Thank you for your patience in getting through this recipe. It was a goddamned feat of sheer will to not wander off into some rabbit-hole of pornographic jokes.

– Love (platonically of course) Jimi