- 1 large carrot, skin peeled, then julienne cut (or peeled)
- 1 pound daikons, skin peeled, then julienne cut (or peeled)
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 teaspoons plus 1/2 cup sugar
- 1 1/4 cups distilled white vinegar
- 1 cup warm water
- Take each veg and lay them down on a towel. Run a julienne peeler from end-to-end. Pick up the strands like noodles and lay them all parallel on a cutting board, then cut every 2 inches.
- Place the carrot and daikons in a bowl and sprinkle with the salt and 2 teaspoons of the sugar. Use your hands and gently toss that salad for around 3 minutes [insert sexual performance joke here], expelling the fluids from them [LOL, and another one here]. They will soften when they’re done [OMFG this is a treasure trove!]
- You should be able to bend a piece of daikon so that the ends touch without the daikon breaking [nothin… I got nothin].
- At this point there will (should) be a fair amount of liquid at the bottom. Drain in a colander and rinse under cold water, then pour out onto a towel and press to remove extra water.
- Transfer them to a 1-quart (4-cup) jar.
- For the brine, combine the 1/2 cup sugar, vinegar, and warm water in the jar. Cap it and shake until sugar has dissolved.
- Pour the mix into the veg jar, just enough cover the vegetables.
- Let it marinate in the fridge for at least 1 hour before serving (overnight is ideal).
- Keep in the refrigerator for about 4 weeks.
Carrots – If you go to asian markets, they have carrots that are perfect for julienne peelers. These porn-star Franken-food fuckers inspire insecurity in men and fearful curiosity in women.
Daikons – same porn-thing… x10. Also, they should be firm. Seriously, not a sex joke this time. Daikons sometimes sit around too long, so pick one up and give it a waggle; if you feel any flex in the um, (sweet, fucking Jesus) shaft, move on.
Thank you for your patience in getting through this recipe. It was a goddamned feat of sheer will to not wander off into some rabbit hole of pornographic jokes.– Love (platonically of course) Jimi